It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
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My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
How do you milk an almond?
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I’M CRYINGGG