ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
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Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.