insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
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I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
The Sun
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
This took me a second..
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing