ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
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[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Cake!!
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*