Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
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I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I hate everything
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”