Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
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Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.