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[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Holy shit he’s back
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
In space, no one can hear…
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.