Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
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Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster