my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
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[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
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[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute