Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
You Might Also Like
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Life is a suicide mission.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can