[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
You Might Also Like
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.