…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
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ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Print is alive and well!!!
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
True
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.