I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
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I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]