Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
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My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I want this so bad
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
real
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should