*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
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Who chose this font
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
i hope my email finds you on fire
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
I created you as mosquito food.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
as is their right
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?