Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
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[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
okay run it by me one more time
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.