CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
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Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!