My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
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Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy