This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
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Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
I have never related to anyone more.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”