Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
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No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
my dad when a sex scene comes on
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.