#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
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Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?