A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
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If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.