5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
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My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
it must be school picture day
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us