I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
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me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.