That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
You Might Also Like
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex