ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
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If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.