LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
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There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.