They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
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Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.