I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
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Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Our lord and savoury.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’