Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
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Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”