My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
You Might Also Like
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
That’s incredible! 👌
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.