[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
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One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god