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My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
We need to put an American base on the sun
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists