Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
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Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
*pronounces surface like Versace*
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.