If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
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Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
I didn’t realize that was an option
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.