Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
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[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever