“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
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If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
The Punning Dead.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
sugar glider wrangler
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”