I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
You Might Also Like
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
There are no pants in heaven.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me