Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
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WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
those birds must be on payroll