FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
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My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Blew my mind.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.