reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
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Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
This year, Iâll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Iâm convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
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âANYWAYâ â me when Iâm about to keep talking about the thing Iâve been talking about for the last ten minutes
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
A large group of other peopleâs children is called a âNopeâ.
Me ten years ago: I canât believe people are giving up their landlines. Thatâs crazy.
Me today: I canât believe people still have their landlines. Thatâs crazy.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
ballet teacher: âThe girls tell me youâre going to a country that doesnât allow children?â
Yes. Iâm in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Her: Iâm hungry. If you loved me youâd give me breakfast in bed đ
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.