A new level of troll.
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I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.