Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
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her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”