dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
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me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex