“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
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He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
A new level of troll.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
WTF IS THAT!
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.