gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
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Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it