Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
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I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
…żyje?
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding