[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
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My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend