Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
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Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.