*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
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Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
bought wrong eggs
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”